She Obviously Hates Me

What do you do when someone cuts you off as you speak?
What do you do when they think you're slacking off and haven't been attending their class for 4 for 5 times?
What do you do when they feed you what they think is the right answer?

WHAT DO YOU DO?

i'm really upset. very upset. its not like i dont try okay. and i'm not f**king invisible either. i've only not gone for your studio for 2 times and not 4 or 5 times you bitch. effing go change your glasses if you cant see properly, i'm not exactly what most people call a small girl and i never excelled at the game hide n seek either. u snide thing. behind that thin smile you always give lie the daggers behind..

"oh may! do you know you are severely behind time?", " where are your plans and sections?"

well if u cared to look, did have plans and sections before during the interim and besides i dont work well with two dimensional drawings, i need to make models to visualise the space and architecture BEFORE i get started with the drawings when i'm satistfied. dont judge me because i cant do it the way you want all your minions to work.

argh. i'm so angry/upset/frustrated/desperate with studio, no, wait, school. i was THIS close, THIS close to letting the wave of emotions overcome me. As she sat there in her stupid European manner, looking at me in the condescending manner, i felt a lump form in my throat. it was horrible. i felt horrible. had zero mood to say anything else in the defense of my project. ZERO. i just sat there "uhuh-ed" my way through.

she obviously hates me.

obviously, i'm too damn dumb for my own good to think of a solution that you're happy with.

i hate you. i hate school.
but i have no choice.

A Case of Schizophrenia

A Psychiatric Report
-----------------------------------

I cannot concentrate on the tasks ahead of me.

the mind is an amazing thing. Its like a web that weaves in and around each other. so intricate. when i try to go through and make sense of my thoughts, they seem to be on track for awhile before i think i lose my way again somewhere along another line, lost in translation before i find myself tumbling through another 'issue' again.

this happens more than once day and perhaps driven by the things that happen around. it feels like spontaneous combustion sometimes where everything just explodes at one go and i find myself doing things that i would not usually find myself doing. i become clingy and needy (in my opinion), i neglect important tasks, i find myself in emotional turmoil half the time thinking of the past and what-could-have-beens, i spend too much for my own good..etc.

i am desperate. i sense this immense desperation inside. like i'm desperate to be normal, desperate to be happy, desperate to do well, desperate to act like everything is okay, desperate to maintain the front. why the desperation? because everyone tells me i have to move on? but what happens when when i'm not ready to do so and maybe just maybe, i'm just forcing myself to do just that and in the process of doing so, i lose myself. i dont recognise myself sometimes, this person i've become. i hate it. i feel torn between expressing my grief and pain and trying to move on. deep down i live wth regret and remorse of what i've done and its re-precussions. i try to put everything in a sealed bag n bury it deep it my heart n mind but like a man who refuses to die, it keeps coming back. i dont know how to deal with it and i try to keep burying it back into its grave, hoping that one day it will stay there. i will it to.

somedays i feel strong enough to face the world, somedays i just want to lay in bed and hide under the covers, afraid of what life may throw at me today.

today is such a day.

as i spill my thoughts here as i would to a psychiatrist, i feel vulnerable and weak. i think some good friends try to help but i guess because of my inert nature to keep my innermost thoughts to myself and how these thoughts are very messy and weird, i dont even know how to express them to someone else much less try to make some sense of it myself.

----

to my good friends,

u may think i'm too weak
u may think i should learn to move on
u may think i've become someone else
u may think i've already moved on
u may think u dont recognise me anymore

u may think a million other things that this entry cannot hold, but i have a simple wish that i hope u can help me with.

i hope u can be here for me when i need a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, an honest opinion and a guide to keep me in check.

i promise i will do the same for you.

please dont leave me alone and walk away. acquaintances i have many, but true friends i have few.

forgive me for i do not know how to express myself clearly most times

----

sometimes i am filled with so much self-doubt it scares me. i am afraid, afraid that i'm a mental basketcase.

believe me, i want to feel loved and i want to love but somehow i think that part of me just died too on that fateful day when he left..


my greatest fear : losing someone i love

a tribute

happy belated valentine's day

no more

dear friends

i don't think i will be blogging again anytime soon.

i've lost a huge part of my life, i no longer feel like myself anymore.
until i've found what i've lost, i will likely not come back here.

i wish everyone the best.
cherish those who love u and love them back.
make sure they know it.

dont be like me.

goodbye.

RANT!!!

JUST WHEN I'M BEGINNING TO GIVE A DAMN ABOUT MY WEIGHT.. THE STUPID WEIGHING SCALE DIED ON ME!!!!!

ahem ahem

okay, got that out. sorry folks, i just had to get that out of my system.

I'm so starving right now cos i haven't eaten much in the last 38 hours. Only a packet of chee cheong fun for lunch yesterday and a single roll of spring roll for dinner and nothing else after that.

No. thats not my new diet regime.

its just cause i was working at ZOUKOUT and i hardly found the time to eat or there was no appetising stuff around. ahh..but its all good, had alot of fun at ZOUKOUT, in between the working and running around to the different areas to watch and dance..haha..a hell of an experience :) doing set-up again felt awfuly nostalgic of pre-study days where events, exhibitions and parties where the roster of the day..ah i do miss it.

i need to get ready for my HK trip already :) what clothes to wear and bring, what baggage to pack in, where to go, what to see... OOOO EXCITED!!!!

Mish Mash

its deathly quiet at home now. all the lights are off and the computer screen casts an empty glow in the room.
i have no idea why i cant seem to get to sleep. maybe cos of all the flood of events that happened recently. like all hell broke loose.

dear friends
dear me

some depressing
some so happy
some so embarrassing
some i have no idea what to make out of
some i have yet to know the full story

christmas is coming
new year is coming

i know what i want for christmas this year. which is good. i dont usually do. but this year. i've my sights on several things. ahhh. hopefully but some weird twist of luck i'll have my wish come true hehehehehe.

the new year is always the time where i feel most lost. i look back on the going year and maybe be filled with regret and sometimes joy in the things that have happened. but most importantly, i'd rather spend it with ppl close to my heart..not some insane party somewhere..

i feel old already..

no idea what's this post about. everything is scattered. i know. no train of thought. so all over the place. but maybe in this messy messy mess some coherency is present. i need to get my blogging mind back. blogging abt such un-interesting thoughts and events are so mundane. abt how i feel day in day out. boring. life i need a life.

ok let's take this nice n slow, walk with me if u will.
i warn u it takes great patience..

nice and slow
nice and slow into the new year

All Strung Up

Videos coming up..

Was in studio today and Andrew was very very enthusiastically telling Sri and i to search Youtube for this little Korean boy who plays the guitar damn well. So we did a search and here's what we found...


Living On a Prayer by Bon Jovi

Yes, amazing right for an eleven year old boy? We looked at other videos of his and his WIDE and i mean WIDE repertoire of songs. Chanced upon a cover of Eric Clapton's (Slowhand), Tears in Heaven and that went on to me gushing about Clapton's songs..

One of my ALL TIME FAV LOVE SONG...(sing this song to me and i will so totally melt)


Wonderful Tonight

Which then lead on to...


Layla

Then to...


My Father's Eyes

Did a wiki search on Eric Clapton and his life story is undeniably full of ups and downs..lost parentage, substance abuse, affairs, loss of a child. Go wiki his name if you really want to know, but seriously, all those life experiences led him to write amazing songs including collaborations with the late Bob Marley.

Sighs...

I could just listen to the songs over and over again..
I'm all strung up..