Thursday, March 19, 2009

A Case of Schizophrenia

A Psychiatric Report
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I cannot
concentrate on the tasks ahead of me.

the mind is an amazing thing. Its like a web that weaves in and around each other. so intricate. when i try to go through and make sense of my thoughts, they seem to be on track for awhile before i think i lose my way again somewhere along another line, lost in translation before i find myself tumbling through another 'issue' again.

this happens more than once day and perhaps driven by the things that happen around. it feels like spontaneous combustion sometimes where everything just explodes at one go and i find myself doing things that i would not usually find myself doing. i become clingy and needy (in my opinion), i neglect important tasks, i find myself in emotional turmoil half the time thinking of the past and what-could-have-beens, i spend too much for my own good..etc.

i am desperate. i sense this immense desperation inside. like i'm desperate to be normal, desperate to be happy, desperate to do well, desperate to act like everything is okay, desperate to maintain the front. why the desperation? because everyone tells me i have to move on? but what happens when when i'm not ready to do so and maybe just maybe, i'm just forcing myself to do just that and in the process of doing so, i lose myself. i dont recognise myself sometimes, this person i've become. i hate it. i feel torn between expressing my grief and pain and trying to move on. deep down i live wth regret and remorse of what i've done and its re-precussions. i try to put everything in a sealed bag n bury it deep it my heart n mind but like a man who refuses to die, it keeps coming back. i dont know how to deal with it and i try to keep burying it back into its grave, hoping that one day it will stay there. i will it to.

somedays i feel strong enough to face the world, somedays i just want to lay in bed and hide under the covers, afraid of what life may throw at me today.

today is such a day.

as i spill my thoughts here as i would to a psychiatrist, i feel vulnerable and weak. i think some good friends try to help but i guess because of my inert nature to keep my innermost thoughts to myself and how these thoughts are very messy and weird, i dont even know how to express them to someone else much less try to make some sense of it myself.

----

to my good friends,

u may think i'm too weak
u may think i should learn to move on
u may think i've become someone else
u may think i've already moved on
u may think u dont recognise me anymore

u may think a million other things that this entry cannot hold, but i have a simple wish that i hope u can help me with.

i hope u can be here for me when i need a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, an honest opinion and a guide to keep me in check.

i promise i will do the same for you.

please dont leave me alone and walk away. acquaintances i have many, but true friends i have few.

forgive me for i do not know how to express myself clearly most times

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sometimes i am filled with so much self-doubt it scares me. i am afraid, afraid that i'm a mental basketcase.

believe me, i want to feel loved and i want to love but somehow i think that part of me just died too on that fateful day when he left..


my greatest fear : losing someone i love

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