i hope you enjoy them as much as i did, no matter how small the entertainment value, its still waayyyy better than doing design now :/
this last one is my personal favourite because it happens all the time :/
laugh..
Monday, March 30, 2009
On a lighter note
i havent much to show for design later this afternoon but i found time to search for some entertainment online and found these..
i hope you enjoy them as much as i did, no matter how small the entertainment value, its still waayyyy better than doing design now :/
this last one is my personal favourite because it happens all the time :/
laugh..
i hope you enjoy them as much as i did, no matter how small the entertainment value, its still waayyyy better than doing design now :/
this last one is my personal favourite because it happens all the time :/
laugh..
Sunday, March 29, 2009
In an unconcious state
" she dreamt of him today.. "
" was it good? or a nightmare? "
" oh, it was a good dream. he came back, and said he loved her. everything like before.. "
" is she okay now? "
" she woke up and reality sets in, you know how it is. she's still hurting inside, i can see it in her eyes.. "
-----
fridays and weekends are like a dream to me, they hold so much promise during the weekdays that when i think of them, i feel happy, almost seeing my soul leave my body and i envision myself doing what i would be doing this weekend. an out of the body experience. perhaps they are now an escape for me. an escape where i wont have to face work, faces that i dont want to see, and the stress i leave behind in school. dreams, i realise, are an escape. its this small part in your brain that keeps and locks up the sweetest memories but also the worst fears. then when u close your eyes at night, the gears in this tiny part starts working, setting off a serious of frames. sometimes jumbled, sometimes making full sense. sometimes waking up up perspiring all over in fear, sometimes smiling with sweet thoughts and the worst, sometimes waking up cheeks wet with tears.
i used to have frequent dreams when i was a little girl (yes i was little once) and they were always the same ones. one always starts with me somehow sitting on the parapet wall outside my grandparent's house on the 13th floor and a strong gust of wind comes and blows me over and i start to fall in slow motion down to the ground below. i always picture the motion of falling very slowly and it feels almost relaxing but before i really relax, i hit the ground and that's when i always wake up, with my legs slamming the bed as if in mimicry of my body slamming into the ground. i would break out in cold sweat after because as a child that really scared me. another vivid occurring dreams i remember was this one where i find myself in this extremely expansive huge white space, so huge i cannot see the end of it. but as i start to explore, i see the walls and ceiling start to enclose towards me. they start to increase in speed and i quickly find myself breathing heavily, in a space that continues to move in closer. the air becomes stuffy and i just before i wake up, in the dream, i always find myself unable to breathe, in foetal position, the walls are still packing in, just slowly now, i feel like i am in a box, claustrophobia sets in and with my last ounce of strength i scream and try to push the walls away. It is at this moment where i wake up and find myself cramped into a small corner of my bed, in foetal position like my dream, breathing heavily as though i had just ran a marathon, heart beating quickly beneath my chest.
these dreams haunted me almost every night but i never complained or told anyone about it. soon, as i grew older, they slowly started to disappear and i rarely get them now. but when i do, i feel the same way like the little girl i was about 15 years ago. they never made any sense to me and i dont think they ever will.
-----
" dry her tears. i hope she will be okay tonight and every other night. "
" was it good? or a nightmare? "
" oh, it was a good dream. he came back, and said he loved her. everything like before.. "
" is she okay now? "
" she woke up and reality sets in, you know how it is. she's still hurting inside, i can see it in her eyes.. "
-----
fridays and weekends are like a dream to me, they hold so much promise during the weekdays that when i think of them, i feel happy, almost seeing my soul leave my body and i envision myself doing what i would be doing this weekend. an out of the body experience. perhaps they are now an escape for me. an escape where i wont have to face work, faces that i dont want to see, and the stress i leave behind in school. dreams, i realise, are an escape. its this small part in your brain that keeps and locks up the sweetest memories but also the worst fears. then when u close your eyes at night, the gears in this tiny part starts working, setting off a serious of frames. sometimes jumbled, sometimes making full sense. sometimes waking up up perspiring all over in fear, sometimes smiling with sweet thoughts and the worst, sometimes waking up cheeks wet with tears.
i used to have frequent dreams when i was a little girl (yes i was little once) and they were always the same ones. one always starts with me somehow sitting on the parapet wall outside my grandparent's house on the 13th floor and a strong gust of wind comes and blows me over and i start to fall in slow motion down to the ground below. i always picture the motion of falling very slowly and it feels almost relaxing but before i really relax, i hit the ground and that's when i always wake up, with my legs slamming the bed as if in mimicry of my body slamming into the ground. i would break out in cold sweat after because as a child that really scared me. another vivid occurring dreams i remember was this one where i find myself in this extremely expansive huge white space, so huge i cannot see the end of it. but as i start to explore, i see the walls and ceiling start to enclose towards me. they start to increase in speed and i quickly find myself breathing heavily, in a space that continues to move in closer. the air becomes stuffy and i just before i wake up, in the dream, i always find myself unable to breathe, in foetal position, the walls are still packing in, just slowly now, i feel like i am in a box, claustrophobia sets in and with my last ounce of strength i scream and try to push the walls away. It is at this moment where i wake up and find myself cramped into a small corner of my bed, in foetal position like my dream, breathing heavily as though i had just ran a marathon, heart beating quickly beneath my chest.
these dreams haunted me almost every night but i never complained or told anyone about it. soon, as i grew older, they slowly started to disappear and i rarely get them now. but when i do, i feel the same way like the little girl i was about 15 years ago. they never made any sense to me and i dont think they ever will.
-----
" dry her tears. i hope she will be okay tonight and every other night. "
Friday, March 27, 2009
Through the hard times
Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence
You know how songs and music seem to touch you in transcending ways? well this song, in a weird way calms me very much. when i'm frustrated or flustered, it manages to calm my nerves. must be the way its composed (:
i love it very much (:
Monday, March 23, 2009
She Obviously Hates Me
What do you do when someone cuts you off as you speak?
What do you do when they think you're slacking off and haven't been attending their class for 4 for 5 times?
What do you do when they feed you what they think is the right answer?
WHAT DO YOU DO?
i'm really upset. very upset. its not like i dont try okay. and i'm not f**king invisible either. i've only not gone for your studio for 2 times and not 4 or 5 times you bitch. effing go change your glasses if you cant see properly, i'm not exactly what most people call a small girl and i never excelled at the game hide n seek either. u snide thing. behind that thin smile you always give lie the daggers behind..
"oh may! do you know you are severely behind time?", " where are your plans and sections?"
well if u cared to look, did have plans and sections before during the interim and besides i dont work well with two dimensional drawings, i need to make models to visualise the space and architecture BEFORE i get started with the drawings when i'm satistfied. dont judge me because i cant do it the way you want all your minions to work.
argh. i'm so angry/upset/frustrated/desperate with studio, no, wait, school. i was THIS close, THIS close to letting the wave of emotions overcome me. As she sat there in her stupid European manner, looking at me in the condescending manner, i felt a lump form in my throat. it was horrible. i felt horrible. had zero mood to say anything else in the defense of my project. ZERO. i just sat there "uhuh-ed" my way through.
she obviously hates me.
obviously, i'm too damn dumb for my own good to think of a solution that you're happy with.
i hate you. i hate school.
but i have no choice.
What do you do when they think you're slacking off and haven't been attending their class for 4 for 5 times?
What do you do when they feed you what they think is the right answer?
WHAT DO YOU DO?
i'm really upset. very upset. its not like i dont try okay. and i'm not f**king invisible either. i've only not gone for your studio for 2 times and not 4 or 5 times you bitch. effing go change your glasses if you cant see properly, i'm not exactly what most people call a small girl and i never excelled at the game hide n seek either. u snide thing. behind that thin smile you always give lie the daggers behind..
"oh may! do you know you are severely behind time?", " where are your plans and sections?"
well if u cared to look, did have plans and sections before during the interim and besides i dont work well with two dimensional drawings, i need to make models to visualise the space and architecture BEFORE i get started with the drawings when i'm satistfied. dont judge me because i cant do it the way you want all your minions to work.
argh. i'm so angry/upset/frustrated/desperate with studio, no, wait, school. i was THIS close, THIS close to letting the wave of emotions overcome me. As she sat there in her stupid European manner, looking at me in the condescending manner, i felt a lump form in my throat. it was horrible. i felt horrible. had zero mood to say anything else in the defense of my project. ZERO. i just sat there "uhuh-ed" my way through.
she obviously hates me.
obviously, i'm too damn dumb for my own good to think of a solution that you're happy with.
i hate you. i hate school.
but i have no choice.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
A Case of Schizophrenia
A Psychiatric Report
-----------------------------------
I cannot concentrate on the tasks ahead of me.
the mind is an amazing thing. Its like a web that weaves in and around each other. so intricate. when i try to go through and make sense of my thoughts, they seem to be on track for awhile before i think i lose my way again somewhere along another line, lost in translation before i find myself tumbling through another 'issue' again.
this happens more than once day and perhaps driven by the things that happen around. it feels like spontaneous combustion sometimes where everything just explodes at one go and i find myself doing things that i would not usually find myself doing. i become clingy and needy (in my opinion), i neglect important tasks, i find myself in emotional turmoil half the time thinking of the past and what-could-have-beens, i spend too much for my own good..etc.
i am desperate. i sense this immense desperation inside. like i'm desperate to be normal, desperate to be happy, desperate to do well, desperate to act like everything is okay, desperate to maintain the front. why the desperation? because everyone tells me i have to move on? but what happens when when i'm not ready to do so and maybe just maybe, i'm just forcing myself to do just that and in the process of doing so, i lose myself. i dont recognise myself sometimes, this person i've become. i hate it. i feel torn between expressing my grief and pain and trying to move on. deep down i live wth regret and remorse of what i've done and its re-precussions. i try to put everything in a sealed bag n bury it deep it my heart n mind but like a man who refuses to die, it keeps coming back. i dont know how to deal with it and i try to keep burying it back into its grave, hoping that one day it will stay there. i will it to.
somedays i feel strong enough to face the world, somedays i just want to lay in bed and hide under the covers, afraid of what life may throw at me today.
today is such a day.
as i spill my thoughts here as i would to a psychiatrist, i feel vulnerable and weak. i think some good friends try to help but i guess because of my inert nature to keep my innermost thoughts to myself and how these thoughts are very messy and weird, i dont even know how to express them to someone else much less try to make some sense of it myself.
----
to my good friends,
u may think i'm too weak
u may think i should learn to move on
u may think i've become someone else
u may think i've already moved on
u may think u dont recognise me anymore
u may think a million other things that this entry cannot hold, but i have a simple wish that i hope u can help me with.
i hope u can be here for me when i need a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, an honest opinion and a guide to keep me in check.
i promise i will do the same for you.
please dont leave me alone and walk away. acquaintances i have many, but true friends i have few.
forgive me for i do not know how to express myself clearly most times
----
sometimes i am filled with so much self-doubt it scares me. i am afraid, afraid that i'm a mental basketcase.
believe me, i want to feel loved and i want to love but somehow i think that part of me just died too on that fateful day when he left..
my greatest fear : losing someone i love
-----------------------------------
I cannot concentrate on the tasks ahead of me.
the mind is an amazing thing. Its like a web that weaves in and around each other. so intricate. when i try to go through and make sense of my thoughts, they seem to be on track for awhile before i think i lose my way again somewhere along another line, lost in translation before i find myself tumbling through another 'issue' again.
this happens more than once day and perhaps driven by the things that happen around. it feels like spontaneous combustion sometimes where everything just explodes at one go and i find myself doing things that i would not usually find myself doing. i become clingy and needy (in my opinion), i neglect important tasks, i find myself in emotional turmoil half the time thinking of the past and what-could-have-beens, i spend too much for my own good..etc.
i am desperate. i sense this immense desperation inside. like i'm desperate to be normal, desperate to be happy, desperate to do well, desperate to act like everything is okay, desperate to maintain the front. why the desperation? because everyone tells me i have to move on? but what happens when when i'm not ready to do so and maybe just maybe, i'm just forcing myself to do just that and in the process of doing so, i lose myself. i dont recognise myself sometimes, this person i've become. i hate it. i feel torn between expressing my grief and pain and trying to move on. deep down i live wth regret and remorse of what i've done and its re-precussions. i try to put everything in a sealed bag n bury it deep it my heart n mind but like a man who refuses to die, it keeps coming back. i dont know how to deal with it and i try to keep burying it back into its grave, hoping that one day it will stay there. i will it to.
somedays i feel strong enough to face the world, somedays i just want to lay in bed and hide under the covers, afraid of what life may throw at me today.
today is such a day.
as i spill my thoughts here as i would to a psychiatrist, i feel vulnerable and weak. i think some good friends try to help but i guess because of my inert nature to keep my innermost thoughts to myself and how these thoughts are very messy and weird, i dont even know how to express them to someone else much less try to make some sense of it myself.
----
to my good friends,
u may think i'm too weak
u may think i should learn to move on
u may think i've become someone else
u may think i've already moved on
u may think u dont recognise me anymore
u may think a million other things that this entry cannot hold, but i have a simple wish that i hope u can help me with.
i hope u can be here for me when i need a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, an honest opinion and a guide to keep me in check.
i promise i will do the same for you.
please dont leave me alone and walk away. acquaintances i have many, but true friends i have few.
forgive me for i do not know how to express myself clearly most times
----
sometimes i am filled with so much self-doubt it scares me. i am afraid, afraid that i'm a mental basketcase.
believe me, i want to feel loved and i want to love but somehow i think that part of me just died too on that fateful day when he left..
my greatest fear : losing someone i love
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