In an unconcious state

" she dreamt of him today.. "

" was it good? or a nightmare? "

" oh, it was a good dream. he came back, and said he loved her. everything like before.. "

" is she okay now? "

" she woke up and reality sets in, you know how it is. she's still hurting inside, i can see it in her eyes.. "

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fridays and weekends are like a dream to me, they hold so much promise during the weekdays that when i think of them, i feel happy, almost seeing my soul leave my body and i envision myself doing what i would be doing this weekend. an out of the body experience. perhaps they are now an escape for me. an escape where i wont have to face work, faces that i dont want to see, and the stress i leave behind in school. dreams, i realise, are an escape. its this small part in your brain that keeps and locks up the sweetest memories but also the worst fears. then when u close your eyes at night, the gears in this tiny part starts working, setting off a serious of frames. sometimes jumbled, sometimes making full sense. sometimes waking up up perspiring all over in fear, sometimes smiling with sweet thoughts and the worst, sometimes waking up cheeks wet with tears.

i used to have frequent dreams when i was a little girl (yes i was little once) and they were always the same ones. one always starts with me somehow sitting on the parapet wall outside my grandparent's house on the 13th floor and a strong gust of wind comes and blows me over and i start to fall in slow motion down to the ground below. i always picture the motion of falling very slowly and it feels almost relaxing but before i really relax, i hit the ground and that's when i always wake up, with my legs slamming the bed as if in mimicry of my body slamming into the ground. i would break out in cold sweat after because as a child that really scared me. another vivid occurring dreams i remember was this one where i find myself in this extremely expansive huge white space, so huge i cannot see the end of it. but as i start to explore, i see the walls and ceiling start to enclose towards me. they start to increase in speed and i quickly find myself breathing heavily, in a space that continues to move in closer. the air becomes stuffy and i just before i wake up, in the dream, i always find myself unable to breathe, in foetal position, the walls are still packing in, just slowly now, i feel like i am in a box, claustrophobia sets in and with my last ounce of strength i scream and try to push the walls away. It is at this moment where i wake up and find myself cramped into a small corner of my bed, in foetal position like my dream, breathing heavily as though i had just ran a marathon, heart beating quickly beneath my chest.

these dreams haunted me almost every night but i never complained or told anyone about it. soon, as i grew older, they slowly started to disappear and i rarely get them now. but when i do, i feel the same way like the little girl i was about 15 years ago. they never made any sense to me and i dont think they ever will.

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" dry her tears. i hope she will be okay tonight and every other night. "